Five-Star Love, One-Star Customer Service
I may have finally diagnosed one of the great problems with modern relationships.
And surprisingly, it’s not a lack of love.
Nope.
It’s terrible customer service.
A Small Disclaimer Before Customer Care Opens
Before the relationship therapists, feminists, masculinity coaches, pastors and the professionally offended start stretching their fingers and warming up their keyboards… please, relax.
This is not a scientific paper, and I am not claiming every man and woman came off Mother Nature’s assembly line with identical software.
Sure, some men love flowers. Some women hate talking about feelings. And somewhere out there is probably a husband turning down sex because he has a headache.
Today we’re simply looking at broad human tendencies through the slightly inappropriate window of common sense, anthropology and adult mischief.
Nobody is right. Nobody is wrong. We’re simply asking one awkward question:
What if your partner isn’t ungrateful? And you’ve simply been giving them what YOU would want for yourself?
Perhaps relationships don’t have a love problem.
Perhaps they have a customer service problem.
You’ve been supplying the wrong product for years and are now furious because the customer hasn’t left a five-star review.
Right!
Customer Care is now open.
And judging by the complaints already on file…
some of you may be on hold for a while.
We enter relationships with a wonderfully egocentric assumption:
“If this would make ME happy, surely it should make YOU happy.”
So we offer our partners what we personally value.
We expect from them what we ourselves would happily give.
And when they don’t respond correctly, Customer Care receives a complaint:
“After everything I do for you!”
Yes. But madam…
that isn’t what the gentleman ordered.
WELCOME TO RELATIONSHIP CUSTOMER SERVICES
“Thank you for calling Relationship Customer Services. Your happiness is very important to us.
Please listen carefully, as our menu options may have changed since you started dating.
Press 1 for Emotional Availability.
Press 2 for Peace and Quiet.
Press 3 for Flowers and Romantic Gestures.
Press 4 for Sexual Attention.
Press 5 if your partner keeps trying to solve problems you only wanted to complain about.
Press 6 if you said “I’m fine” and are now furious because they actually believed you.
For Bedroom Services, please ensure both parties have read and accepted the terms and conditions.
COMPLAINT NO. 001: “HE NEVER TALKS TO ME.”
Ama and Kwame arrive home after work.
Ama has been looking forward to seeing him.
She sits beside him.
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“Anything happen?”
“Not really.”
“You seem quiet.”
“I’m just tired.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“Have I done something?”
Kwame is now staring into the distance, wondering how a man who was merely tired fifteen minutes ago has somehow become the defendant in an emotional murder trial.
Here is what’s happening; Ama wants connection. Kwame wants decompression.
She interprets conversation as intimacy.
He interprets twenty minutes of silence as heaven.
Neither necessarily loves the other less.
One customer’s premium service is another customer’s nuisance call.
Please hold…
Relationship Customer Services would now like to play Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”
Your partner knows you are waiting.
Please do not press 1 repeatedly.
COMPLAINT NO. 002: “I DON’T WANT TO BE OBJECTIFIED.”
Perfectly reasonable.
Most women don’t want to feel that their entire value to a man is sexual. Being desired is lovely; being treated like the relationship’s only recreational facility is slightly less romantic.
If every cuddle becomes an attempted genital colonisation, every compliment concerns her body and every romantic dinner mysteriously comes with implied bedroom terms and conditions, she may reasonably ask:
“Does this man actually see me as a person?”
Absolutely, he really does.
Now let’s call the male customer.
His wife walks into the bedroom while he’s changing.
She pauses.
Looks him up and down.
“Hmm.”
He turns.
“What?”
“Nothing. Carry on.”
“What was the hmm?”
“I was just admiring the merchandise.”
Ladies, this man will remember Thursday, 14 May at 7:42 p.m. for the rest of his natural life.
You may believe you’ve reduced an intelligent, accomplished gentleman to a piece of meat.
Meanwhile, in his mind:
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION: 100%.
He would like management to know that the service was excellent and he’d happily recommend the establishment to friends. Not sharing her… But you get my drift.
Don’t think that women don’t enjoy sexual attention or men don’t need emotional intimacy.
The point is that the same attention can carry different meanings to different people.
To one person, unwanted sexual attention feels reducing.
To another, desired sexual attention from their partner says:
“Bloody hell. You still fancy me.”
Please hold…
Your call has been transferred to Bedroom Services.
While we locate an available representative, please enjoy Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.”
Estimated waiting time:
Entirely dependent on whether you’ve been behaving yourself.
COMPLAINT NO. 003: FLOWERS HAVE BEEN DELIVERED TO THE WRONG DEPARTMENT
It’s Friday. Kwame comes home carrying flowers.
Ama lights up.
“For me?”
No, Ama.
He bought twelve roses for himself because he wanted the living room to feel whimsical.
Of course they’re for you.
She smells them.
Photographs them for Instagram
Puts them in water.
Sends a picture to her friends so they can feel a bit jealous.
Those flowers say:
“I thought about you when you weren’t there.” Lovely.
Now Wednesday afternoon arrives.
Kwame is sitting through a meeting that really should have been an email.
His phone vibrates.
Ama has sent him a photograph. Not flowers. Not lunch.
Definitely not something he should open while screen-sharing. Call it an anatomical portrait.
Same message:
“I thought about you.”
Different bouquet. Suddenly this man’s afternoon has improved considerably.
The economy is recovering. Traffic doesn’t seem so bad.
He may even begin believing Ghana can win the World Cup.
Ama might genuinely wonder: “Why would anybody want that?”
Because, darling… you weren’t the customer.
That’s the entire point.
Please hold…
Your Romantic Gesture has been upgraded to our Premium Adult Package.
While we process your request, please enjoy Rod Stewart’s “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”
If the answer is yes, kindly provide supporting documentation.
Management accepts JPEG. And Mp4.
COMPLAINT NO. 004: “I DON’T WANT YOUR MONEY.”
Providing is another fascinating mismatch.
Kwame takes Ama out. The bill arrives. He picks it up.
“I’ve got it.”
Her car develops a problem.
“Leave it with me.”
Unexpected expense.
“Don’t worry. I’ll sort it.”
For him, providing communicates: “You’re safe with me.”
It makes him feel competent, useful and needed.
Now reverse the service.
Kwame calls Ama:
“Baby, my rent is due.”
Next week: “Sweetheart, I need four tyres.”
Then: “My insurance renewal has arrived.”
By Christmas Ama is staring at him across the sofa wondering:
“Sir, have I accidentally subscribed to you?”
What makes him feel empowered when he provides might make her feel used if the same level of provision were routinely expected from her.
Same transaction but different emotional receipt.
COMPLAINT NO. 005: UNSOLICITED TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Ama comes home furious.
“My boss humiliated me in front of everyone today.”
Kwame immediately activates Engineering Mode.
“Right. Tomorrow send him an email. Copy HR. Document what happened. Then arrange a meeting…”
Ama’s face changes.
“Can you just LISTEN?”
Kwame looks confused. He was listening. He listened so efficiently that he has already produced a solution.
But Ama didn’t call Technical Support. She called Customer Care.
She wanted:
“That’s awful. I’m sorry. Come here.”
No spreadsheet.
No flowchart.
No twelve-point recovery plan.
Now reverse it.
Kwame says:
“That contractor has messed up the job again.”
Ama puts her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, darling. How does that make you feel?”
He looks at her; “Like I need another contractor.”
Sometimes people want empathy.
Sometimes they want solutions.
Good customer service begins by asking:
“Would you like me to listen, or would you like me to help fix it?”
That single sentence could probably prevent enough arguments annually to qualify for UN funding.
COMPLAINT NO. 006: CUSTOMER FEEDBACK DEPARTMENT
Complaint received:
“My partner never notices me.”
A woman may spend considerable time getting ready.
New hair.
Dress.
Shoes.
Make-up.
Various mysterious brushes, powders and instruments suggesting minor outpatient surgery.
The entire operation has required planning, logistics and possibly international financing for that kidney-priced La Mer moisturiser.
Ninety minutes later, she emerges looking like a limited-edition human being.
Her man looks up.
“Ready?”
My brother!
READY?
This woman has just completed a full premium upgrade and you have responded like an Uber driver waiting outside.
The problem is that he is judging her customer requirements by his own.
This same gentleman has worn the same five shirts since 2017 and considers replacing underwear only when structural integrity becomes an issue.
He doesn’t particularly need you to notice.
So he assumes she doesn’t either.
Customer Service Error No. 1: Failure to understand the client’s appreciation package.
She didn’t need a standing ovation.
She wanted:
“Jesus Christ… you look incredible.”
She wants to see something happen in his face.
Not because she doesn’t know she’s attractive.
She wants confirmation that her favourite customer still thinks so.
But now Customer Care receives another complaint.
Male customer reports chronic shortage of compliments.
Because she may assume that since she doesn’t require constant physical praise from him, he doesn’t need it either.
Then one random Tuesday she says:
“You look really sexy in that shirt.”
Observe the customer carefully.
“Oh… really?”
He will attempt to appear unaffected.
Please ignore this.
Internally, Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” has begun playing on Customer Service hold music.
Please hold. Your compliment is very important to us.
That shirt has just received a lifetime contract.
He will wear that shirt until the fabric can legally apply for retirement.
Men like to pretend compliments bounce harmlessly off our rugged masculine exterior because apparently masculinity requires us to operate like emotionally self-sufficient Toyota Hiluxes.
Nonsense.
We archive compliments like emergency supplies.
Tell him in front of other people:
“My man looks bloody good tonight.” And you have finished him
That compliment has been uploaded to the cloud, backed up twice and stored beside the score of his favourite football match.
A woman once complimented a man’s shoulders in 2009. He is still living off it.
So yes, both customers want appreciation. They may simply want it delivered differently.
She may want: “I still see how beautiful you are.”
He may want: “I still find you desirable, impressive and occasionally worth making irresponsible decisions with.”
Same Customer Feedback Department. But different forms.
And once again, the problem isn’t necessarily that your partner doesn’t appreciate you.
You may simply be sending five-star reviews to the wrong inbox.
COMPLAINT NO. 007: BEDROOM SERVICE IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
And eventually every respectable relationship discussion arrives at the bedroom
Ama says:
“I need to feel emotionally connected before I want sex.”
Kwame says:
“But sex is one of the ways I feel emotionally connected.”
Silence.
There it is! The relationship equivalent of two departments refusing to process the application until the other department stamps it first.
She thinks:
Connection → Desire → Sex.
He thinks:
Sex → Connection → Affection.
She wants emotional intimacy before the bedroom.
He experiences the bedroom as emotional intimacy.
So he initiates because he wants closeness.
She rejects him because she doesn’t feel close.
He feels rejected and withdraws.
She experiences the withdrawal as emotional distance.
Which makes her want sex even less.
Congratulations. You have created a closed-loop customer complaint system.
Nobody owes anybody sex.
Consent and desire remain non-negotiable.
But couples can still learn what creates desire in the person they love instead of assuming their own ignition sequence is universal.
Please hold…
Bedroom Services is experiencing unusually low traffic.
While we reconnect both parties, please enjoy Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.”
If symptoms persist…
try talking to each other before buying supplements on Instagram.
THE CUSTOMER ISN’T ALWAYS RIGHT… BUT THEY ARE STILL THE CUSTOMER
And perhaps that is the whole point. Your partner doesn’t have to want what you want. In fact, the irritating creature may want the exact opposite.
She wants conversation. He wants silence.
She wants flowers. He wants… something considerably less suitable for display in a vase.
He feels loved when he’s needed. She may feel loved when, for once, nobody needs anything from her.
She wants affection without it automatically becoming a down payment on sex. He occasionally receives affection and thinks, Excellent… are we upgrading to the Premium Package?
Neither customer is necessarily wrong.
The mistake is assuming that because you wouldn’t want something, they shouldn’t want it either.
Good customer service doesn’t mean agreeing to every request. There are boundaries, terms and conditions, and certain services are absolutely subject to mutual consent. Your relationship is not an all-inclusive resort.
But good relationships require something remarkably similar to good customer service:
Listen to the customer. Learn what they value. Stop supplying what YOU would have ordered.
Because perhaps the opposite of selfishness isn’t generosity.
It’s curiosity. The willingness to ask:
“What makes you feel loved, desired, respected and appreciated… even if it makes absolutely no sense to me?”
So before marching into Relationship Customer Services shouting:
“After everything I’ve done for this person!”
check the order.
You may discover your partner isn’t ungrateful at all.
You’ve simply spent years providing five-star customer service… to yourself.
Thank you for calling Relationship Customer Services.
Your relationship is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
And while you wait, enjoy The Rolling Stones’ “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”
If the problem persists…
press 69 for Bedroom Services.
