Life has a rather mischievous sense of humour, particularly when it comes to men, women, money and romantic relationships.
Consider two 25-year-olds.
Kwame is a struggling young man with a second-hand Toyota Corolla, a bank account permanently on life support and dreams of becoming a millionaire.
When he approaches a beautiful woman, she is likely to ask that dreaded question:
“So, what do you do?”
“I’m building my own business.”
“Oh, that’s nice.”
Translation: May God bless your hustle, but please don’t involve me in the suffering.
Meanwhile, Ama is also 25. Beautiful, intelligent, with respectabl ambitions, but also blessed with a youthful figure that makes men forget why they entered the room.
Her phone is practically a call centre for romantic enquiries.
Doctors, bankers, businessmen, engineers and even the occasional married pastor are expressing an unusual interest in her spiritual and emotional well-being. Some are even prepared to invest in both.
Now fast-forward twenty years.
Kwame is 45, financially comfortable, owns properties, drives a Mercedes-Benz and has acquired the confidence of a man who no longer needs to ask the price before ordering dessert.
Suddenly, women who wouldn’t have given him directions to the nearest public toilet are finding him remarkably interesting.
Even his bald head is now described as distinguished.
Ama, meanwhile, is also 45. She’s a successful executive, owns two houses, drives a beautiful car and has more degrees than a malfunctioning thermometer.
But her dating options? Well, let’s just say her messaging app has gone from a traffic jam of horny admirers to the occasional message from MTN reminding her to buy data! Which can sometimes be a good thing.
How can two people spend twenty years becoming more successful, yet one becomes more desirable while the other may find her romantic options shrinking?
Before the ladies weaponise their handbags with murderous intent and the gentlemen start congratulating themselves, allow me to explain.
This isn’t about men being superior or women losing their value with age. It’s about how biology, social expectations and our own romantic preferences can reward men and women differently for similar achievements.
And Mother Nature, that shameless old woman, has never been particularly interested in fairness.
1. Success Takes Time. Unfortunately, Time Has Favourites.
Unless your father conveniently owns half of Airport Residential Area, success usually takes time.
Your twenties are spent making mistakes.
Your thirties are spent paying for those mistakes.
Your forties are spent pretending those mistakes were part of your original business plan.
For many men, those years can actually improve their romantic prospects.
A struggling 27-year-old man offering to take a woman to KFC may suddenly discover that her grandmother is critically ill, her phone battery is dying and she has an urgent appointment with the Holy Spirit.
Fifteen years later, the same gentleman owns a successful business, drives a Range Rover and lives in a posh neighborhood.
Now when he asks a woman where she’d like to eat, the response is:
“Oh, anywhere is fine. I’m not particular.”
My brother, even roasted plantain by the roadside has suddenly become a romantic experience.
And here’s another fascinating observation.
A wealthy unmarried 45-year-old man is called an eligible bachelor.
A successful unmarried woman of the same age is subjected to an investigation that would make the Economic and Organised Crime Office look incompetent.
“Why haven’t you married?”
“Are you too selective?”
“Are you intimidating men?”
“Have you prayed about it?”
Madam has three degrees, two houses and a thriving business, yet Auntie Comfort is convinced her greatest achievement is still missing.
A husband.
The man is congratulated for taking his time. The woman is interrogated for using hers.
Same clock. Different alarm bells.
And that brings us to the biological elephant in the bedroom.
2. Mother Nature’s Biological Clock Has No Snooze Button
Men and women both age, but their reproductive timelines are somewhat different.
A woman’s fertility generally declines through her thirties, more noticeably after 35 and substantially by her forties.
Men experience reproductive ageing too, including declining fertility and increasing reproductive risks, but can often father children much later, even well into his retirement.
For those hoping to conceive the old-fashioned way, without inviting a fertility clinic into the bedroom, these biological differences can influence their romantic decisions. While Mother Nature may gift men with overtime, she does not guarantee the equipment will still perform!
A successful 48-year-old man may still have the option of marrying a younger woman and starting a family.
A successful 48-year-old woman hoping to have biological children generally faces a more complicated situation.
Unfortunately, Mother Nature didn’t consult our modern career ambitions when designing the reproductive system.
She simply installed the equipment, issued no warranty and left us to discover the terms and conditions.
Now add society’s obsession with youthful female beauty.
A man goes grey and becomes George Clooney.
A woman goes grey and somebody recommends a very expensive hairdresser.
A man develops wrinkles and he’s described as rugged.
A woman develops wrinkles and someone introduces her to a facial cream containing ingredients that sound like they belong in a chemistry lab.
And it doesn’t end there.
A man develops a little belly and people in our part of the world say he’s enjoying life.
A woman develops the same belly and suddenly everybody suggest intermittent fasting.
Ridiculous? Absolutely.
But these double standards can influence how people perceive attractiveness.
A successful man may accumulate resources, confidence, experience and status as he ages.
A successful woman accumulates those same achievements, but may simultaneously find herself competing against younger women for men who place considerable importance on youth and physical appearance.
It’s like two people investing in the same business, except one receives compound interest while the other discovers an irritating clause about depreciation.
Not exactly fair, is it?
But biology and social attitudes aren’t the whole story.
Sometimes we help shrink our own dating pools without even realising it.
3. Hypergamy: When Success Raises the Entry Requirements
Now comes a word guaranteed to irritate somebody.
Hypergamy.
Traditionally, hypergamy describes marrying or partnering upwards in social or economic standing.
It doesn’t mean every woman is a gold digger or genetically programmed to marry a millionaire.
However, financial security, competence and social standing have historically featured prominently in women’s partner preferences, even if individual choices vary enormously.
Let’s use a familiar scenario.
Meet Abena.
At 25, she’s a young accountant earning ₵5,000 monthly.
She meets Kofi, a hardworking young man earning ₵8,000.
He’s responsible, attractive, ambitious and drives a decent car.
Her mother approves.
“Ah, my daughter, this one looks serious. Hold him well!”
Now fast-forward fifteen years.
Abena is 40, a successful financial executive earning ₵60,000 monthly.
She owns a beautiful house in East Legon, drives a Mercedes-Benz and spends her holidays in Europe.
Kofi, meanwhile, earns ₵22,000 after several promotions.
Is Kofi suddenly a bad option?
Absolutely not.
But will Abena necessarily find him as attractive as she did fifteen years earlier?
Perhaps not.
Her lifestyle has changed. Her expectations may have changed. Her ideal partner might now be someone with comparable earnings, social standing or professional ambitions.
She may even find herself saying:
“I’ve worked too hard to settle.”
Fair enough.
But here’s the catch.
As some women become more successful, the qualifications they expect from a partner naturally rises alongside their achievements.
Now reverse the situation.
Kofi becomes the executive earning ₵60,000.
Would he necessarily reject a beautiful, intelligent, kind woman earning ₵5,000?
Probably not.
He might happily marry her, support her ambitions and build a family together.
Her salary may not feature prominently in his romantic calculations.
He might be more interested in whether she’s attractive, compatible and capable of having a disagreement without summoning the entire extended family.
And there lies the contradiction.
A man’s financial success can increase the number of women who consider him desirable.
A woman’s financial success may increase her expectations of potential partners without necessarily increasing the number of men she finds desirable.
Most times her dating pool hasn’t shrunk because fewer men want her. It’s shrunk because she no longer wants most of the men swimming in it.
And before anyone starts throwing furniture, plenty of successful women happily partner with men who earn less.
The point is that preferences have consequences, and sometimes those consequences are rather inconvenient.
4. The Doctor and the Nurse: Same Hospital, Different Reactions
Here’s a scenario that exposes our romantic double standards rather beautifully.
Imagine a successful 42-year-old male surgeon at Korle Bu Teaching Hospital.
Highly educated, financially comfortable and respected in his profession.
One day he meets a beautiful, intelligent 29-year-old nurse.
They fall in love.
He introduces her to his family.
His mother is delighted.
“Ah, my son! A nurse! Wonderful! She understands your profession. She’ll know how to take care of you!”
His friends congratulate him.
“Chalé, you’ve done well! Young, beautiful, caring and she’s in the medical profession too!”
Nobody demands to know why a distinguished surgeon is marrying someone lower down the professional hierarchy.
He’s made an excellent choice.
Now reverse the sexes.
A successful 42-year-old female surgeon meets a handsome, intelligent, kind 29-year-old male nurse.
They fall in love.
She introduces him to her family.
Silence.
Her mother eventually clears her throat.
“Errr… my daughter, you said he’s a nurse?”
“Yes, Mum.”
“But you’re a doctor?”
“Yes, Mum.”
“An actual surgeon?”
“Yes, Mum!”
“Ah. So couldn’t you find another doctor?”
Her friends are even worse.
“Girl, you’ve worked too hard for this!”
“You need someone on your level!”
“Are you going to be paying all the bills?”
And somewhere in the background, Auntie Mansa has already contacted her prayer warrior to investigate which ancestral curse is preventing her niece from finding a suitable husband.
Same hospital. Same professions. Same love story. Completely different social reactions.
The male doctor is praised for choosing a woman he loves.
The female doctor is warned that she’s dating beneath her qualifications.
And this illustrates something fascinating about attraction.
Research into mate preferences has often found that men, on average, place greater emphasis on youth and physical attractiveness, while women, on average, place greater emphasis on financial prospects and status.
These are averages, not commandments issued by Mother Nature. Both sexes also value kindness, intelligence, compatibility and attraction.
Nevertheless, the distinction helps explain why professional achievement doesn’t always translate into romantic desirability in the same way.
A man might admire a woman’s doctorate, property portfolio and professional achievements.
But if he doesn’t find her attractive, those certificates are unlikely to produce an erection.
Sorry, ladies. The male reproductive system has never been particularly impressed by academic transcripts.
Equally, a woman might find a man physically attractive, only to lose interest when she discovers he’s financially irresponsible and considers borrowing money from girlfriends a sustainable business strategy.
The lesson?
The professional marketplace rewards qualifications. The romantic marketplace has its own rather questionable recruitment policies.
And unfortunately, nobody promised the two departments would cooperate.
5. The Successful Woman’s Uncomfortable Dilemma
Here’s where I genuinely sympathise with ambitious women.
From childhood, girls are encouraged to study hard, pursue careers, become financially independent and never rely on men for survival.
Excellent advice.
But nobody explains that professional success and romantic opportunities don’t necessarily follow the same timetable.
A woman might spend her twenties studying, her thirties building a career and her forties establishing financial security.
By 45, she’s achieved everything she set out to accomplish.
Except perhaps finding a compatible partner, assuming that’s something she wants, of course.
Now she’s looking for a man who is intelligent, emotionally mature, financially stable, attractive, available and preferably more successful than she is.
Unfortunately, some of those men are already married.
Others are divorced and enjoying what they call freedom.
And some are dating women fifteen years younger.
The remaining eligible candidates may be pursued by other successful women with similar shopping lists.
It’s like arriving at a buffet after spending twenty years earning enough to afford the finest meal, only to discover that most of the dishes you actually want have already been taken.
Meanwhile, the successful man may find that his wealth and status have made him attractive to women across a wider age range.
Of course, this isn’t every woman’s experience. Many find wonderful relationships later in life, and many men actively seek equally accomplished partners.
The problem isn’t female success. It’s the occasional collision between ambition, personal preferences, biology and timing.
And sometimes the traffic at that intersection is worse than Spintex Road on a Friday evening.
6. Gentlemen, Before You Start Celebrating…
Before the gentlemen start rubbing their hands like they’ve discovered a lifetime supply of free Viagra, let’s address one inconvenient truth.
A man’s success may expand his dating pool, but that doesn’t mean everyone jumping in is looking for love.
Consider our 50-year-old businessman.
At 25, women barely noticed him.
At 50, he owns three properties, drives a Range Rover and has a gorgeous 27-year-old girlfriend who affectionately calls him “Daddy”.
He thinks he’s found true love.
His friends suspect he’s found a very attractive financial liability.
Every month brings a fresh national emergency.
Her rent is overdue.
Her iPhone has developed a mysterious illness.
Her mother’s business needs rescuing.
Her younger brother’s school fees have suddenly become his constitutional responsibility.
And miraculously, every problem has the same medical prescription: Bank Transfer, 500mg, preferably before the next romantic encounter.
Congratulations, my brother. Your dating pool has expanded, but you’ve accidentally opened a microfinance institution with bedroom privileges!
More options don’t necessarily mean better options. Money attracts attention, not necessarily affection.
And gentlemen, ageing doesn’t automatically turn you into George Clooney.
A 55-year-old man with bad manners, questionable hygiene and the emotional maturity of a teenager doesn’t become Prince Charming simply because he drives a Range Rover.
Success may open the bedroom door, but character determines whether she’s still there when the money runs out!
7. The Real Lesson: Stop Confusing Success With Desirability
So what should we learn from all this?
Certainly not that women should abandon their careers and rush into marriage before their twenty-fifth birthdays.
And definitely not that men should avoid relationships until they’re wealthy enough to finance a small harem.
The lesson is much simpler.
Understand what the kind of partner you want actually values, rather than assuming your personal achievements automatically make you romantically irresistible.
For men, money, ambition and confidence may increase their romantic appeal, but good character and emotional maturity determine whether he is husband material or just a well-funded erection!
For women, education, independence and professional success are achievements worth celebrating, regardless of whether they attract a husband.
But if marriage and motherhood are also on your wish list, remember to plan for them alongside your career. After all, you can negotiate a promotion with your boss, but Mother Nature isn’t particularly interested in extending deadlines!
And perhaps don’t dismiss a perfectly good man simply because his salary or professional title is lower than yours.
Remember our female surgeon and male nurse?
He might be intelligent, caring, emotionally mature, financially responsible and perfectly comfortable with his wife’s success.
Rejecting him because his name badge says Nurse instead of Consultant Surgeon would be like rejecting a reliable Toyota because it doesn’t have the badge of a Rolls-Royce.
Sometimes we’re so obsessed with the badge that we forget to inspect the engineering.
And gentlemen, don’t confuse a beautiful young woman who admires your lifestyle with one who genuinely admires you.
The former might enjoy your swimming pool.
The latter might still love you when the pool pump breaks and your bank account is temporarily on life support.
Ultimately, the objective shouldn’t be to attract the greatest number of people, but to attract someone who genuinely values the person behind the achievements.
Because when all is said and done, his dating pool may expand into Lake Volta while hers shrinks into a puddle, but neither guarantees a decent fish.
My brothers and sisters, a bigger pool doesn’t mean better fish. Some come with expensive tastes, questionable morals and bedroom skills designed to distract you while they drain your bank account!
And the really dangerous ones will drain you in all ways before you realise you’ve been swimming with crocodiles in Gucci underwear!
