Divorce: Marriage Didn’t Get Harder. We Just Made the Exit Easier

From “For Better or Worse” to “This Relationship No Longer Serves Me”

Human beings are hopelessly social creatures.

For most of human history, independence wasn’t a lifestyle choice to celebrate. It was practically a suicide note. Mother Nature had very little patience for anyone announcing, “I don’t need anybody. I’m protecting my peace.”

You needed family. You needed a tribe.
Somebody hunted, somebody gathered, somebody watched the children, and somebody hopefully shouted, “hey, run!” when the leopard behind you began showing an inappropriate level of interest in your buttocks.

There was no “I don’t need anybody. I’m protecting my personal space.”

Wonderful. Explain your boundaries to the leopard. I’m sure he’ll respect them while chewing your buttocks.

We survived because of interdependence… Long before independence became fashionable, needing each other was simply how you stayed alive.

And if you need further proof, human babies are perhaps Mother Nature’s finest argument for interdependence. A baby antelope arrives, shakes itself off and, within hours, is walking around like it already has somewhere important to be.

A human baby?

It arrives completely helpless, unable even to support its own head, then requires feeding, clothing, education, transport and continuous financial assistance for roughly the next 25 years.
And even longer if it discovers postgraduate education.
And don’t sit there laughing. Look at yourself. There’s a good chance your parents are still waiting for a return on their investment.

So humans formed families and communities because cooperation worked.
Which brings me to marriage.

Marriage Isn’t Natural… Which Is Exactly Why We Need It

I’m going to say something mildly dangerous…
Marriage, at least the modern version involving lifelong sexual exclusivity, romance, companionship and emotional fulfilment, isn’t something human instinct performs effortlessly.
There. I said it.
Now, before somebody forwards this to their pastor, auntie or the family WhatsApp group under the headline “HMMMMMMM… THE THINGS PEOPLE ARE WRITING THESE DAYS! GOD HELP US ”
or worse, some relieved soul shouts, “HALLELUJAH! I KNEW THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!”…

Please calm down.
There is definitely something wrong with you. This article is not an acquittal.
Now allow me to present the evidence.

I’m not against marriage.
Quite the opposite.
Marriage may be one of civilisation’s cleverest inventions precisely because human beings cannot always be trusted not to follow their impulses and instincts.
Mother Nature gave us attraction, lust, jealousy, attachment, competition, children and an extraordinary ability to make terrible decisions after midnight.
Society looked at this biological confusion and said:
“Right. You two stay together, raise these children, don’t sleep with the neighbours and please try not to kill each other.”
Boom!
Terms and conditions accepted. We now have marriage.

So What Changed?

For generations, people somehow remained married through poverty, wars, malaria, 10 children, interfering in-laws, questionable personal hygiene and husbands whose idea of emotional communication was clearing their throat.
Today?
These days, leave a wet towel on the bed three times and suddenly somebody is talking about “incompatible energies.”
Did marriage suddenly become harder?
Probably not.
Leaving just became easier.
And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Some marriages absolutely should end. Because of violence, addictions and betrayal (ask the devil, even God couldn’t forgive him for that) sustained misery aren’t exactly character-building exercises. It’s torture!
But somewhere between “you must never divorce” and “this relationship no longer serves my journey”, we performed an interesting social experiment.
We made leaving easier while simultaneously expecting much more from marriage.
That is quite a cocktail.

Grandma Couldn’t Afford Self-Love

Let’s not romanticise our grandparents.
Many old marriages didn’t survive because Grandma and Grandpa possessed ancient relationship wisdom that got lost with black-and-white television.
Sometimes they survived because leaving was bloody difficult.
In those days, divorce carried stigma. Religion discouraged it. Families intervened. Communities judged.
In Ghana, your marriage could have problems and suddenly both families would convene a meeting with enough elders to negotiate a ceasefire between two small countries.
And for women especially, there was another small inconvenience; Money.
A woman with little education, no independent income and four children didn’t necessarily remain married because Grandpa was Idris Elba.
Sometimes the alternative was poverty.
Modern women increasingly have education, careers, bank accounts, investments, property and the freedom to walk away.
Many will argue that is progress.
Because a woman shouldn’t need a husband simply because she needs somewhere to live.
But progress always sends an invoice.
Once marriage is no longer necessary for survival, it increasingly has to justify itself through satisfaction or romance.
We all know that satisfaction is a very temperamental landlord and romance is just a fairweather friend.

Marriage Has Been Promoted Beyond Its Qualifications

Grandpa’s job description was relatively straightforward:
Provide. Protect. Don’t disappear.
And preferably don’t impregnate the neighbour. But you, Husband 2.0 has received a substantial software update.
You must now be provider, lover, best friend, therapist, co-parent, motivational coach, domestic partner, a passionate soulmate, a billionaire or at least be ambitious but also be always available.
Be strong, but vulnerable.
Protective, but never controlling.
Successful, but somehow home by 5:30.
And apparently able to remember what she said at 7:43pm three Thursdays ago.
Most middle-aged men cannot remember why they walked into the kitchen.
To be fair, men have also upgraded the wife’s job description too.
She must be independent, attractive, sexually enthusiastic, emotionally supportive, professionally successful, maternal, interesting, youthful and somehow retain the waistline she had before producing 3 little humans.
Something that was virtually impossible until Ozempic entered the group chat.

Nobody informed HR that both job descriptions are ridiculous.
Modern marriage isn’t merely expected to provide companionship and security anymore. Your spouse must also help you grow, fulfil you, understand you and somehow assist in discovering your authentic self.
We’ve upgraded marriage from:
“Let’s build a life together.”
to:
“Please help me find myself.”
Isn’t that a lot to ask from someone who can’t find the television remote?

Then We Invented “I Deserve Better”

Welcome to the industrial-scale self-fulfilment movement.
Protect your peace.
Know your worth.
Choose yourself.
Never settle.
Remove anyone who doesn’t serve your growth.
Lovely advice in the correct dosage.
Unfortunately, like whisky, inspirational quotes become dangerous when consumed by the bottle.
Because marriage requires something modern individualism doesn’t particularly enjoy:
Sacrifice.
Sometimes your needs don’t come first.
Sometimes your spouse is annoying.
Sometimes sex isn’t spectacular.
Sometimes you’re bored.
Sometimes you’re carrying 70 percent because your partner currently only has 30 percent available.
Sometimes you don’t feel “seen”.
Sometimes nobody feels bloody seen because school fees are due, the mortgage needs paying and the family car has decided to join a terrorist organisation called “Al-broke-eedah”
That’s not necessarily a toxic relationship.
Sometimes that’s just an ordinary Tuesday.
The danger begins when ordinary marital discomfort gets diagnosed as spousal oppression.

Women Found the Exit Door

Now for the paragraph that may get me quietly removed from several WhatsApp groups.
Women have benefited enormously from the falling barriers to divorce.
And rightly so.
For generations, women could be economically and socially trapped in miserable marriages. Education, careers, financial independence and changing social attitudes gave women something enormously important:
Choice.
But choice doesn’t automatically come bundled with wisdom.
Men know this too well.
Give a man money, freedom and a 600-horsepower car and within fifteen minutes somebody will switch off the traction control, because he wants to “feel the car properly.”
and now some poor surgeons have to work overtime.
Human beings occasionally use freedom stupidly. And women aren’t exempt.
Modern culture has even developed a particular vocabulary around leaving relationships:
“I’m choosing myself.”
“I deserve more.”
“I’m protecting my peace.”
“I’ve outgrown him.”
Sometimes those words describe a woman finally escaping twenty miserable years.
Sometimes…
she’s simply married to an irritating human being.
There is a difference.

Gentlemen, Sit Down

Before the men start applauding, please return to your seats.
Men have also been giving women excellent reasons to divorce them since approximately the invention of marriage.
Infidelity. Neglect. Violence. Alcohol. Financial irresponsibility. Emotional absence.
And the inexplicable inability to locate an object directly in front of them.

“Where’s the butter?”
“In the fridge.”
“I can’t see it.”

Men also have their own peculiar version of divorce.
Some don’t leave physically.
They simply resign emotionally.
He comes home. Pays bills. Watches television. Has sex occasionally.
Most meaningful communication consists of:
“Have you seen my keys?”
Technically married.
Spiritually, he’s an Airbnb guest.

Nobody gets a medal here.

Then Technology Put Everyone Else in Our Pocket

Our grandparents had another enormous advantage.
They didn’t have Instagram.
Grandpa knew perhaps 23 women.
Grandma knew 19 men.
Half were her relatives.
Their marriage wasn’t being compared daily with thousands of carefully edited relationships.
Today you can lie beside your snoring husband while watching some handsome stranger in Dubai surprise his wife with a Range Rover covered in roses.
Suddenly Kwame’s anniversary card from Melcom or ASDA looks rather underfunded.
Social media doesn’t merely show us other people.
It shows us other possibilities.
Then dating apps arrived.
Another profile.
Another match.
Another attractive stranger who apparently loves hiking, travelling and “deep conversations”.
What his profile doesn’t mention is that he snores like an industrial generator, owes three banks money and hasn’t spoken to his mother since 2017.
Technology has created the illusion of infinite replacement.
Why repair something when there appears to be another one available with next-day delivery?
Unfortunately, spouses aren’t kettles.

We Have Become Terrible at Being Unhappy

This may be the biggest change of all.
Modern society increasingly treats happiness almost like a human right.
Happy at work.
Happy at home.
Happy sexually.
Happy emotionally.
Happy spiritually.
Happy on holiday.
And preferably photographed being happy so everybody else watching can feel miserable.
But happiness was never designed to be permanent.
Human dissatisfaction has its uses. It makes us explore, compete, invent and improve.
Wonderful for civilisation, but potentially disastrous for marriage.
Because the same brain that whispers:
“You could have a better job.”
can eventually whisper:
“You could have a better husband.”
Perhaps you could.
Mother Nature simply forgot to mention that the better husband will eventually annoy you too.

And Then Your Hormones Join the Divorce Proceedings

Just when the children have finally grown up, the mortgage stops threatening your life expectancy, and you think it’s time to rediscover the recreational benefits of marriage…

Mother Nature walks in and switches off the bloody electricity.

For many women, menopause brings fluctuating hormones, hot flushes, sleepless nights, mood changes and sometimes a libido that has quietly resigned without serving notice. Basically, after decades of worrying about pregnancy, Mother Nature finally removes that particular problem… then also deletes the enthusiasm for the activity that caused it.

Men aren’t entirely spared either. Testosterone generally declines more gradually, but some men experience reduced energy, sexual desire and performance. Suddenly, the equipment that once stood proudly to attention may require a little encouragement and occasionally a motivational speech.

Meet Ama, 52, who spends her nights spontaneously overheating like a faulty Suzuki radiator.

Beside her is Kwame, 55, whose once enthusiastic department of recreational activities
has become somewhat negotiable, but who has mysteriously developed an erection for motorcycles, golf clubs and expensive gadgets.

Ama thinks, “This man has changed.”

Kwame thinks, “This woman doesn’t fancy me anymore.”

Neither realises that Mother Nature has been tampering with both their operating systems without their permission.

Sex becomes less frequent. Affection becomes awkward. Communication deteriorates. Resentment moves into the spare bedroom and starts paying rent.

Eventually, someone announces, “We’ve grown apart.”

Perhaps. But before dividing the furniture and calculating who gets custody of the air fryer, could somebody please check the hormones?

We used to call much of this a midlife crisis.

He buys a sports car and starts dressing like a 25-year-old nightclub promoter. She discovers Pilates, buys suspiciously youthful underwear and announces she’s “finding herself.”

These days, when long marriages finally collapse in later life, we also hear the term grey divorce.

Of course, Hormones don’t cause divorce. But hormonal and age-related changes can certainly pour petrol onto problems already smoking quietly in the marital kitchen.
Plenty of couples navigate these changes successfully. But they can complicate existing problems, particularly when neither partner understands what the other is experiencing.

And therein lies Mother Nature’s magnificent sense of humour.

At precisely the age when you finally have the house to yourselves, unlimited privacy and unlimited opportunities for indecent behaviour, the biological department begins renegotiating the terms and conditions.

So before declaring that the love has died, perhaps have an honest conversation about what’s happening to your bodies.

Because sometimes the marriage isn’t broken.

The machinery simply needs servicing, a little lubrication and perhaps a little medically approved assistance getting certain departments back to full operational capacity.

And that, my friends, is still considerably cheaper than two divorce lawyers.

The Door Is Now Unlocked

This is the great paradox.
We may be among the freest married generation in history.
We can marry for love. Choose our partners. Control fertility. Earn our own money. Leave abusive relationships. Divorce. Remarry. Start again.
These are enormous achievements.
But freedom changes commitment.
Previous generations sometimes stayed because they had to.
Modern couples can stay because they choose to.
That’s potentially far healthier.

But a permanently unlocked door also creates temptation.
When things become difficult, it’s easy to wonder:
“Did I choose the wrong person?”
Sometimes you did.
But most times you’ve simply reached a difficult chapter with the right person.
Unfortunately, both can feel remarkably similar on a miserable Wednesday evening.

Maybe Divorce Isn’t Really the Problem

Perhaps we’ve simply become worse at distinguishing between a bad marriage and a difficult period in a marriage.
Those are not the same thing.
Some marriages need lawyers.
Others need counselling.
Some need more sexy time.
Some need forgiveness.
Some need better communication.
Some need a holiday without the children.
And quite a few probably need both people to uninstall Instagram.
Marriage should never become a prison. Nobody gets a medal for serving 35 years without parole in a miserable relationship.
But neither should marriage become a Netflix subscription cancelled because this season has been a bit shitty and the bedroom hasn’t released any new content lately.

Our grandparents sometimes stayed too long.
Perhaps we sometimes leave too quickly.
They occasionally sacrificed the individual to preserve the marriage.
We risk sacrificing the marriage to preserve the individual.
Modern society gave us something previous generations desperately needed:
the freedom to leave.
Perhaps what we now need to rediscover is knowing when not to.

Maybe We Need Each Other Again

Not financially. Not helplessly.
I’m talking about interdependence.
“I can live without you. I just don’t particularly want to.”
Sometimes we say:
“We’re doing it for the family!”
Yeah right!
But the family hasn’t eaten dinner together since Christmas.
Then the children leave.
The career ends.
What suddenly becomes valuable?
Companionship.
Someone to have breakfast with.
Travel with. Laugh with. Annoy professionally.
Someone who remembers you before the grey hair and the reading glasses.
So yes, build the career.
Achieve things.
But for heaven’s sake, don’t become strangers while building a life together.
And if you’ve played your cards right, you’ll look across the room at that irritating old human you’ve spent forty years with and think:
“Bloody hell… you’re still here.”
Then quietly add:
“Thank God.”